Juliana Kent, former owner of Outback Jacks, has shared a 'precious' family moment on social media.
She claims that her son Sebastian saved up enough money selling lemonade to buy a pony.
His parents took the money he had saved (they withdrew it from his bank account? Took it from his piggy bank? Stole it from underneath his pillow? It's never actually stipulated) and secretly bought him the pony, then recorded his reaction so that they could post it to social media. Of course the kid cried, and the whole nation let out a collective 'awwwww'. What else would have happened?
Yes... 'Awww'
Juliana then proceeded to do the rounds - The Project, 9 Mornings, etc. after her 'precious' family moment apparently 'went viral'.
Jesus... You can almost see the dollar signs flashing in her eyes.
It's funny, though, how the lemonade her kid sold just happens to have had branding on it already...
They served their own brand-name drinks at their kid's own birthday party a month before the video that went 'viral'.
Pretty good advertising isn't it?
But let's not be naive; I'm pretty sure that featuring the branding on network TV was the plan all along. In fact, I'm positive.
I suppose Juliana, after owning a franchise restaurant (Outback Jacks, remember?), realised that the real money wasn't in the restaurant at all but in the softdrinks they sold on the side, and promptly set about manufacturing some of her own. After that was done she just needed a clever and innovative way to introduce the drink into, let's face it, what is already a heavily saturated market.
What better way to do it than by exploiting her own children?
We live in a world now where people think it's perfectly acceptable to exploit their pets on Youtube for a few bucks... Just as men in the past exploited women, black people, the environment etc. And let's not forget that for years we've been exploiting animals by showing them off in zoos despite the fact this makes them miserable. We exploit horses, and just about any animal that's edible.
Hey, seriously, I figured it was only a matter of time before people turned their sights onto their own children.
It's amazing something so healthy can taste so good
Not really... If you add enough sugar to anything it tastes pretty damn good. Just look at Coca Cola and Pepsi. Seriously, without all the added sweetness they would taste pretty awful.
Speaking of Coca Cola and Pepsi... One 600ml bottle of Coca Cola contains 63.6 grams of sugar. One Tropical Storm Smoothie from Boost Juice contains 69.1 grams of sugar.
To put these figures into perspective, a teaspoon of sugar is about 4 grams, so if you add two to a cup of tea or coffee, that makes 8 grams. Let's also consider the 20ml of milk that you're adding - which also adds another 2 grams of sugar - and that effectively means that in order to match the sugar in just ONE Boost Juice Smoothie you would need to drink roughly SEVEN cups of tea/coffee.
It seems these days all you have to do to convince people that something is healthy is to simply claim it. Use bright colours in your advertising, hire children to run your business for you, and use special keywords like immune, boost and vitamins, and BOOM - people will buy it, hook, line and sinker.
This multi-millionaire businesswoman has absolutely no qualms about what she's doing - she even has the bare audacity to continue to portray herself as a yoga-loving health food guru to the media. If she had even a shred of decency she'd apologise to everyone for poisoning them with copious amounts of sugar under the guise of offering healthy shakes and then slink away into obscurity. Instead we get to watch her in action on SharkTank where she tries to swallow up good business ideas by offering terrible equity deals to naive, unsuspecting business novices who probably have no idea that the woman is worse than Satan, lying to an unsuspecting, uneducated public who yearns to be healthy but just doesn't have the time in which to realistically achieve it.
What golden gems of advice should the budding entrepreneur expect from Janine Allis the evil marketing genius when taking her equity deal? Perhaps she can skill them in the myriad of ways in which you can most effectively lie to your customers? Or perhaps she can offer them justifications so they can feel better about hiring schoolchildren and underpaying them, effectively having them carry out all the hard work of your business for you? Or maybe she can tell you how to bend over in front of her while she's holding a giant black dildo - because if you accepted an equity deal with her, well, believe it - you're gonna get fucked - you'd just better hope that the contract she made you sign included a clause in which you receive an adequate amount of lube.
Go to any AA meeting and you'll hear the same stories:
I was so anxious - I just didn't want to be anxious anymore
It's no coincidence that marketers tap into these same insecurities in order to sell booze. They know damn well why most people of a certain age reach for a drink in the first place. In my mind there's only two types of drinkers, and those two types of drinkers are typified by the two different types of vodka you can buy.
Young people like their alcohol to not taste like alcohol but at the same time be strong enough to get them absolutely hammered. They also don't want to pay too much for the privilege. So their drink of choice more often than not is fruit or pop flavoured vodka.
Easy enough, right? But how to sell vodka to the other type of drinker, the one who isn't necessarily looking to party the night away? Easy. Speak to that inner lack which drove them to drink in the first place. And that's just what this ad does - except it's aimed squarely at men.
I find the list of men that you can 'be' if you want to rather interesting:
You'll note in the reflection that Sauron is mentioned...
Rinnai hot water systems.
They could have chosen any number of ways to sell their hot water systems. So why did they choose to go down this road?
This ad, I believe, tries to solve the problem of selling a hot water system not only to the 'wife' of the household, but also to the 'husband'. And it does both in the same singular ad.
So how does it achieve this?
By playing on the fears of middle aged women and by appealing to the loins of middle aged men.
This ad is, at its core, incredibly sexist.
First off, notice how the male scientists are dressed professionally in lab coats and proper attire.
Now notice how the female scientists are clad only in white lycra catsuits with white high heels and pink eyeshadow. Completely unprofessional. Are they not 'scientists' too? If they were, surely they would be wearing lab coats. Perhaps they aren't worthy of the title of scientist. Perhaps they actually know absolutely nothing of 'science' or 'facts' and thus can't be trusted to make important decisions such as which hot water system should be installed in the household. Perhaps they are simply a piece of ass and nothing more.
Why does she seem to blend in so seamlessly with the stark white background of the 'Comfort Institute'? I think it's because women watching aren't supposed to notice her presence. Only men, whose eyes are finely tuned to watch out for ass during every possibly moment of every possible day are going to see her.
When the teddy is dipped into the hot water and burnt this plays on the maternal instincts that women have - reinforcing the safety of the Rinnai hot water system, but also working as a way to tap into her even deeper fears - that younger, hotter women are dangerous and pose a very real threat. At this point in the ad, men don't even notice the teddy bear; all they see is the hot piece of ass.
Now here's the really insidious part - when the teddy is dipped into the unregulated hot water bath and burnt, it's the sexy young piece of ass who hands the teddy to the head scientist. However, when the teddy is dipped into the Rinnai remote control regulated temperature bath, it's another lab-coated scientist who hands the teddy over.
Why?
I believe this taps into the fears all married women have - that younger, hotter women pose a threat to the safety of their family unit. This threat is subliminally paired with the threat of hot water burning their children and therefore the solution to one problem - to regulate hot water with a Rinnai system - becomes, subliminally, the solution to a deeper, darker and more sinister problem that plagues all women by a kind of mental osmosis.
As if there was ever any doubt to my claims, they go a step further to prove them in other of their ads - by making the young hot piece of ass's eyes glower red in the background - she is evil, she is satanic! Watch out, beware, danger! Threat! Hot = threat!
See the full ad hereI caught this one playing during the airing of The Bachelor (hey - I don't watch the show, it was just on in the background while I was working on my computer).
You'll notice that this ad features subliminal background music; a song with some pretty powerful yet barely audible lyrics:
"I feel so lonesome and I don't know why... You pushed me away without a goodbye... So - why don't you like me? Oh-whoa"
Here's a link to the ad: Wrigley's Extra Television Commercial
We all love a catch up with friends, but not when the coffee hangs around afterwards. Chew Extra for that just-brushed clean feeling.
Then there are pictures of animated cartoon coffee cups being scared off by Extra.
Now, seeing as the ad is for chewing gum, I think we can safely draw the conclusion that it's trying to insinuate that people (in particular, your beloved friends) are pushing you away because your breath stinks and you need to fix it! Fix it right now or people won't ever like you! Because nobody could ever possibly like you for you.
You have to be perfect in every way. Even with friends.
Scholl have been around for many years now - if you've ever wanted to pumice a heel or place an inset into the sole of your uncomfortable shoe then you've probably seen some of their products lining the shelves of the chemist.
But this year Scholl decided they wanted to branch out, to grow their business - and thus they came to the decision to diversify and set their sights on the nailcare market.
You don't see many advertisements for nailcare products these days - gel and acrylic nails were a big thing twenty years ago but their popularity faded out, along with fake nails and french manicures.
My hope is that perhaps people finally realised the inanity of spending so much time, money and effort on a body part that virtually nobody notices anyway. You never hear a man gush over the sexiness of a woman's nails... Unless the guy has some kind of fetish. And who wants to attract a fetishist?
So the marketing team that was handling the new Scholl directive used one of the golden rules of marketing in order to propel Scholl forward into the nailcare scene - they created a problem where none previously existed in order to sell the solution.
Apparently so.
Does your barista have a perfect manicure?
Scholl's newest ad campaign does nothing more than to make me feel as though I'm being nail shamed, and I wrongly assumed other women would feel the same, but lately when being handed a takeaway coffee or a muffin I've noticed that young women in particular have been taken in by the whole picture-of-female-perfection thing. Yes, I know I said before that no one really notices other people's fingernails, but when you see something out of the ordinary, like someone in the service industry with perfectly manicured nails, it tends to stand out a little.
No, she's not gazing down adoringly at her newborn child or her lover. She's staring at her nails.
The particular television ad that Scholl runs in order to nail shame women features a woman at yoga bending over at the waist to touch her toes (hell, I can't even do that) and as she does so she admires her beautifully manicured finger and toenails. Another woman, exercising beside her, falls over in her awkward yoga pose due to excessive lollygagging caused by the sheer unrelenting beauty of the manicures. Thus a problem is created - the need to have perfectly manicured nails, so that people can envy you some more - and not even when going out somewhere fancy, like to a gala, on a date, to an anniversary or a wedding; oh no, when going to YOGA.
Your nails need to be perfect while you're EXERCISING.
Her nails are so beautiful she doesn't even have to join in with the rest of the class.
I don't know about you, but when I'm exercising I look like crap and that isn't about to change anytime soon.
I suppose I shouldn't be shocked at the nail shaming - I mean, Scholl have been sole-shaming women for years. I can't understand it myself - something that gets walked on day after day in the kinds of shoes a lot of professional women wear to work and people don't expect them to develop callouses? I believe the callouses are there for a reason - but women are shamed into removing them. Why?
Effortless - just grind away at them day after day like you're polishing stone.
Apparently they're unsightly.
Shame Scholl, shame.
This new product appeared on the scene in early 2016 - I say new product, but really it's just a new flavour of Street's existing Magnum ice cream range, endorsed by none other than celebrity chef Manu Fieldel (from My Kitchen Rules and formerly Ready Steady Cook).
Magnum typically markets to women... If you recall their earliest ad campaigns then you might remember that they featured images of seemingly single women all alone in their elaborately decorated lounge rooms (leather settees, velvet curtains and mahogany paneling - you know, rich, decadent) indulging in the magnificence that is the Magnum ice cream.
Made from only the best quality chocolate and the creamiest, smoothest vanilla ice cream, the Magnum, which was much bigger and better than its closest rival, the humble No Name Brand chocolate covered vanilla ice cream, was an immediate success with women everywhere. Unlike the no name brand ice cream, whose chocolate was only a millimeter thick and the kind you buy from the baking section of the supermarket, and whose vanilla ice cream was more anti freeze than actual ice cream and not exactly vanilla flavoured as I recall, the Magnum provided people with a Choc Top experience in their own living rooms.
The name itself is representative of what the marketers are trying to achieve with it - a Magnum Opus is a musician's finest work, a Magnum Gun is a pistol-sized gun (although the barrel is much longer than the ones found on most pistols, wink wink) that packs quite a powerful punch with its high calibre bullets.
In essence: Magnum = biggest, best.
The longer and more satisfying of all the pistols.
But in this particular campaign, the one involving the chocolate toffee, the marketers have taken it a step further. They want the average woman to go further than just a plain old indulgent and high quality Magnum ice cream - now they want her to 'seek pleasure'.
So how do they convince women that the tired old vanilla Magnum has to go in favour of it's lump-ridden, toffee-laced cousin?
Hmm... Manu, I think you should get those lumps checked out, man.
In this ad you will note that Manu's skin has a rather unnatural glow to it... It's tinged with a God-like goldness, as if the man is not a mere man at all but something of a deity to be worshipped and revered. He is, after all, a celebrity chef, and a fairly handsome one at that, and to top it all off he has a French accent.
Appurentlee weemen find thees uccent especially appealing.
The background image of this ad is made up of, on much closer inspection, what appear to be the images of bulls. I believe that the bulls work here to represent to the subconscious of the woman viewing the ad two things at once; the first being the virility of Manu Fieldel. Bulls are associated with virility and strength, and both of these qualities are associated with a good male sexual partner. This relates Manu directly to sex here. It makes the person viewing the ad subconsciously relate him to a virile, powerful bull and therefore a good sexual specimen. The marketers are basically telling women (subliminally) that they should want to fuck him. Subliminally because the colouring of the bull images is very close to the background colour. It blends in a bit too well.
The second thing I noticed is that the iconography here is reminiscent of Satanic / Pagan iconography (there is even a Pagan God named Moloch with a Bull's head). It has a distinctly Pagan feel. Almost Satanic. Take your pick, but Manu Fieldel is less a God now than some kind of Demonic King. And witches, or pagans, worshipped Demonic Kings, and had sex with them because they were virile and powerful. And the bull is also a symbol of regality in some cultures, worshipped and revered.
The brush strokes, on closer inspection, also appear to resemble swirls of chocolate, so that chocolate here is linked also to paganism.
Interestingly enough in the ad the word Magnum has a halo over it (albeit love heart shaped) and what appear to be angelic wings on either side, extending out from the peaks of the Ms. Underneath it are the words, 'for pleasure seekers'.
So ere wee 'ave Manu Fieldel, shimmereeng King of the Deemonic Bulls, juxtaposed with Magnum, in its purely gold, angelic colouring, wearing a halo and delicately extending its tiny little angel wings. What could this mean?
I think it taps into the duality of the modern woman - she is told that while she is sexually fertile and still 'viable' to at all times to be angelic; she is guilted into being sweet and accomodating, to always put her basest desires aside otherwise she will be branded a wanton harlot. So in essence the ad is giving permission to this tirelessly angelic being to seek pleasure, seeing as the seeking of pleasure is in fact somehow an evil thing for someone angelic (female) to do; clearly, men are allowed to be selfish, men are allowed to fuck whomever they want without being branded whores, and men are allowed, in general, to be more evil than women are. So this ad is basically saying 'Good girl; seeing as you have been so good, you may have a reward.'
And that reward is Manu Fieldel's penis a special new flavour of Magnum ice cream.
Good girl, ere - suck on my magnum, babee. You weel luv eet I promees.
